You thief!
by EeveeHearts
Summary: Reno has stolen something from Cloud. And he wants it back, so no one finds out his secret...


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I don't own FF7, I'm just a sad girl who writes fanfic.

A/N: Someone said I got Cloud's personality wrong, but I just replied with "It's my fanfic and I'll do what I want. If I wanna make Reno wear a pink dress, then he will"

Man, that would be strangely arousing… (Slaps self) Anywho, here's the story. Please R&R.

The red haired man fell to the ground with an almighty crash. Cloud stood before him with his sword raised.

"You just don't get it do you," whispered the blonde man, that was Cloud. "You can't stop us. Now get out of our way."

Reno refused to accept defeat, and staggered to his feet and charged towards Cloud, swinging his electromagnet baton around widely. With a laugh, Cloud dodged him.

"You seriously think you can take all 5 of us on?" sniggered Cloud nodding to Barret, Yuffie, Tifa and Cid, who were stood behind him.

"We will try!" yelled Reno. "Rude!"

Rude, Reno's accompanist, a big burly man raised his fist and charged towards Cloud, taking a swipe at him. Before Rude could even touch Cloud, he pointed his sword, which was ironically a lot bigger than the man holding it, at him.

Rude stopped abruptly and backed away slowly, cowering behind Reno.

"He's got a big scary sword," whispered Rude, his lip trembling.

"Oh, you wimp!" hissed Reno glaring at his partner. He turned to face the AVALANCHE crew once more.

"Don't you think this is over!" he said threateningly. "We'll be watching you every step of the way…"

With that, he turned on his heel and marched off, his long red hair billowing with anger. Rude stared at them for a few seconds, then followed his partner.

"Don't they ever get it?" asked Yuffie after a while, punching her fist into her other hand. "We can easily kick their arses."

"They like playing little fucking games," said Cid taking out a cigarette and lighting it up. "They'll be dead soon, the bastards"

Tifa coughed and wafted away the smoke. "You'll be dead even sooner if you don't stop smoking," she coughed.

"I'll fucking smoke all I fucking want you bitch," he said

"Cid! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" said Barret angrily, in his Mr T like voice.

"I kiss your mother with this mouth," he replied

"My moms dead foo'! why you insult my momma!" said Barret angrily pointing his gun/arm at Cid.

"stop fighting, you two!" snapped Cloud turning to glare at them. "We need to focus on our job, not argue with each other…"

"Hey, Yuffie…" said Tifa suddenly, interrupting Cloud. "Is that my necklace?"

"What?" said Yuffie quickly tucking the necklace away quickly "This? No I um… brought it from um… Shinra market…"

"Shinra don't have a market," said Tifa, her cheeks turning pink with anger. "You stole it from me, hand it back!"

"I did not!"

"You did! Hand it back or I'll bitch slap your face!" Tifa raised her fists and glared at Yuffie. Before a catfight could begin, Cloud interrupted them.

"For god sake! Stop arguing and focus on our job!" he raged. He turned away from them and stroked his non existent beard, apparently deep in thought.

XXXXXXXXX

Reno stormed into the office and threw himself at his desk. Elena could sense his upset, and walked over to him.

"What's wrong?" she asked standing behind him as he leaned on one arm. Her hands slipped to his shoulders and she rubbed them, calming Reno down a bit.

"That imbecile," said Reno nodding towards Rude. "Always in the bloody way. Ooooh, a little to the left."

Elena smiled and swept down, kissing him on the cheek.

"Don't get upset about it, babe," she muttered wrapping her arms round his shoulders and leaning on him slightly. Reno sighed and turned to face his girlfriend and placed his lips upon hers for a moment.

"Oi, you two. Hanky panky is for the bedroom, not the office!"

The voice behind them alerted them of Tseng's presence. Elena coughed and blushed, pulling away from Reno and returning to her desk.

"Honestly… That woman…" muttered Tseng rolling his eyes and leaving the room.

XXXXXXX

"Get me a fucking beer, Tifa," grunted Cid sitting on a bar stool. They had returned to Tifa's bar as they had no more butt kicking to do.

"You don't talk to a lady like that!" said Barret angrily.

"Fine. Get me a beer, bitch," corrected Cid.

"That's better."

Tifa glared at them and just before she could say anything, Cloud thundered in, yelling.

"Where the fucks my… My uh… My big manly clothes… and my collection of totally not gay porn magazine collection?" he asked waving his arms round wildly and searching every nook and cranny in the bar.

"What?" asked Tifa puzzled. "I didn't know you owned such things!"

"Yeah… I want them back…" Cloud hid his face behind stool and busied himself by searching for his lost possessions.

"They've got to be here somewhere…" he muttered. "Unless…" he turned to look at Red XII and Cait Sith, who were randomly sat in the corner.

"Have you two seen anyone enter this bar today?" he asked them.

"Aye," said Cait Sith. "These blokes came 'in and went to yer room. One was big and stupid lookin' and one 'ad long red hair an' goggles. And they came out carrying this thing that looked like a th-"

"THANK YOU! That will do, thank you Cait Sith, thank you!" interjected Cloud quickly, blushing deeply. Cloud marched over to the other side of the room and picked up his sword. He brandished it, it glinted and everyone gasped

"Cloud!" said Tifa. "What are you doing!?"

"I'm off to go kill that Reno and Rude. And take back what's mine. I'll be back for tea, don't worry." he replied in the air of someone going to the shop for some milk.

"Cloud, you foo'!" said Barrack. "There's no way you could get to the Turks office, kill some guys and be back for tea!"

"I'll get the bus."

"Carrying that thing?" Barret indicated Cloud's sword.

"I wanna fucking come!" said Cid. "Let's all fucking go, Cloud! You up for it everyone? Barret? Tifa? Yuffie… Where's Yuffie?"

Everyone shrugged and looked around, because the writer forgot to add Yuffie to the rest of the story.

"Whatever…" said Cid. "Come on, let's stick this shit!"

Cid and Barret excitedly jumped down for their stools and readied their weapons. Reluctantly, Tifa sighed and joined them.

"Awh, man," groaned Cloud. "Do you guys always have to steal my glory?"

They all grinned and nodded. Shaking his head, Cloud headed outside, his badass crew, close behind.

XXXXXXX

Gloatingly, Reno held up Cloud's possessions and grinned. Feeling the soft fabric between his fingers, and the pages of the magazine, he felt amazed he actually pulled off such a trick.

"That stupid cat and dog…" muttered Reno referring to Red XIII and Cait Sith. They had believed his story of being the plumbers. Smirking, Reno placed the objects in a drawer, and hoped no one would search it, incase they thought Cloud's things were his.

XXXXXX

"Are we there yet?" whined Cid,

"No," replied Cloud.

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"… How about now?"

Cloud turned on Cid and held up his sword.

"Shut the hell up! I can't hear myself think!"

Cid pouted, then lit up a cigarette. "I don't see your fucking problem," he said, taking a long drag.

"Your face is my problem!"

"Guys!" said Tifa before a fight broke out. "Let's just focus on getting to the Turks' office!"

Cloud groaned and continued walking, leading the rest. For a while, they walked in silence. Then Cid spoke up.

"Are we at our destination yet?" he said cleverly. Cloud thought for a moment about what he said, then turned to face Cid and hit him with his sword. With a crash, Cid fell to the floor.

"Oh, man." said Barret. "Good work Cloud. Now what do we do with the guy?"

"Leave him here. We don't have time."

And so, they continued trundling along.

"Couldn't we just get the bus?" groaned Tifa, her shoulders drooping. "We've got to go past the scary woods."

Cloud ignored her and carried on walking in silence. When they reached the woods, they found Vincent sat at the bottom of a tree, eating a watermelon.

"Hey, Vincent," said Cloud. "We've lost Cid, and we need another member to make us look hard. You wanna join us?"

"Sure thing," said Vincent, finishing off his watermelon and throwing it at a squirrels head. He got to his feet, stretched and stood behind Tifa, and off they jolly well trotted.

"I'm gonna rip that guys hair out," cloud was muttering to himself. "Stealing my things… The bitch."

Tifa shook her head in disbelief. "I hope your bite is as bad as your bark…"

Much to Cloud's dismay, they encountered many distractions on the way. Firstly, Vincent got distracted by his oh so sexy reflection in a shop window. (A/N: I'm creepy like that!)

"Come on, Vincent!" groaned Cloud, pulling him away and continued to lead everyone. Several moments passed, when Barret, who was striding behind cloud, saw a shiny penny on the floor, and became determined to pick it up. He stopped and bent over, aiming to retrieve the coin. Without Realising that Barret had stopped abruptly in his track, Tifa bumped into him, and Vincent bumped into her, falling over. By now, everyone expected steam to be issuing from Cloud's ears, but unfortunately, nothing happened.

"I'll go on my own if you lot don't behave!" he said threateningly, his cheeks turning pink.

"Keep your gravity defying hair on!" said Vincent, scrambling to his feet and joining the rest of the crew.

To cut a long story short, they finally reached the Shinra headquarters, and cloud was one minute short of a mental breakdown.

"Remind me to never go on holiday with you guys," he hissed, opening the door and stepping inside.

"Where do we go?" asked Vincent, looking around wildly.

"Where that arrow that says "Turks' office" is pointing?" suggested Barret.

"Good plan." said Vincent heading down the corridoor, his cloak billowing angrily, making the writer want him even more (A/N: Wow, I really should stop perving…)

"Wait up," said Tifa and Cloud following him.

"Where do you think Reno is?" asked Tifa scanning the office with her eyes. "There's that blonde bitch, that big guy, that one who looks like a rapist…"

Cloud pointed to the water cooler.

"Dude, that's a water cooler," said Tifa. "You sure your heads ok?"

"Not the water cooler, the guy stood next to it, hiding behind the plant." replied Cloud.

"Sideshow Mel?" asked Tifa, confused.

"Oh for fucks sake." grumbled Cloud, marching over to Reno.

"Hey, you!" snapped Cloud, causing Reno to make an appearance.

"Yes?" he asked calmly, brushing a leaf on the plant.

"Give me back my stuff!"

"What, you mean that th-"

Before Reno could finish, Cloud brandished his big sword at him. (A/N: Haha, dirty)

"All right, all right. Jeez…"

"Where's my stuff?" asked Cloud, still pointing the sword at him.

"Over there…" replied Reno nodding towards his desk. "In the drawer."

"Oooh, I'll get them!" aid Tifa bounding over to his desk and pulling out the drawers.

"No Tifa-!"

But it was too late. Tifa had reached the desk and pulled out Cloud's belongings. Her eyes widened and she gasped, holding them up for all to see.

"Cloud…" she whispered. "These are yours… I-I… wow, that's a new one…"

A long pause followed this, as everyone stared at the objects in Tifa's hand. Then Vincent the gobshite spoke up.

"Haha Cloud! You dirty bugger!" Vince laughed his arse off and joined Tifa, taking them out of her hands

"…I never knew you read yoai and wore ladies thongs!"

Cloud blushed and mumbled something. He made a grab for them, but Vincent reeled back and began thumbing through the magazine.

"Well Cloud," said Vincent. "This is something I never expected of you. I like this thong too, it's nice and silky."

Laughing, he handed over Cloud's precious possessions to him.

"I'll see you another time… Might join in with your yoai too" he chortled and winked, leaving the room.

They all watched after Vincent for a while cos he was too sexy to keep their eyes off him, then Tifa turned to Cloud.

"Well, Cloud." she said. "You dragged us here for your porn. You owe us big time. Come on," she said to Barret, leaving the room. "We've gotta go get Cid. And I'm making cookies."

"Oooh, my favourite!" said Barret following her with a happy smile on his face.

Cloud's cheeks were as red as Reno's hair, as he turned to face him. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he just nodded and left the room, hiding his face in shame and holding the magazine and thong behind his back like a pervy old man would.

He did suddenly had a craving for cookies…

XXXXX

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A/N: well, that sucked. No one reviewed my last FF7 story, so it was prolly so crap no one wanted to review it. LOL Anywho, this started out serious, but I decided to make it into a piss take. That's why everyone was totally out of character. I'll make a serious one soon…

No flaming, plz.

Please R&R and Tifa will give you some cookies…


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